All posts by graham

Episode 50 – The Legend of J D Wetherspoon

In which our heroes are joined by Christopher from Dorset and David from @geeknewsradio. They talk about wrestling, hipsters & shitting, and delve into the lore and legend of J D Wetherspoon.

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Episode 48 – The Naked Episode

In which our heroes discuss Eurovision, make plans to sink RRS David Attenborough and read listeners’ letters

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Episode 46 – Bathtub Prosecco

In which our heroes sleep on a WiFi mattress, guess who Jo Johnson is and start bootlegging prosecco.

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Episode 45 – Sexy Robocop


In which our heroes accidentally show Skynet what they look like. Adam gives us some nutrition tips, Dan has a go on a Japanese sex robot and Graham points out that All Saints are definitely not a manifestation of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which is obvious. Of course they’re not. It’s not even worth discussing, forget we mentioned it.

Here are the links to the virtual sex suit:

http://www.refinery29.uk/2016/04/107922/virtual-reality-sex-suit

http://ir.net/news/vr-games-apps/124084/illusion-vr-sex-suit/

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Episode 44 – Panamanian Cheese Apocalypse

In which our heroes start to plan their apocalypse survival strategy. Adam dicks about in the virtual realm, Dan moves funds off-shore and Graham continues his adventures as an American truck driver

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Episode 43 – Steam Port

In which our heroes mourn another victim of Bruce Forsyth, reveal that Barry Chuckle probably isn’t actually a racist and read Thomas the Tank Engine erotic fanfiction. YES, REALLY.

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Episode 42 – Poddy McPodface

In which our heroes blaspheme. Graham reports on Barry Chuckle’s racist views, Adam is OUTRAGED that Easter has been BANNED and Dan names a ship.

The audio quality in this episode is frankly a disgrace so, like, sorry for that and shit.

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Episode 41 – Rise of The J-Turn Sex Ninjas

In which our heroes grapple with technology. Graham desecrates monuments with wicked car stunts, Adam dresses as a ninja and wanks off outside someone’s front door and Dan gets his dick torn off playing rugby.

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Episode 39 – Emergency Clips Show

In which our heroes haven’t bothered to record an actual episode so have just compiled the three least shit bits from previous episodes. Except the play, that goes on too long. You might want to stop listening about 15 minutes in.

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Episode 38 – A Soggy Croissant

In which our heroes are a bit poorly and talk about the boring EU referendum, Deadpool and a wanking dolphin.

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Episode 37 – Technical Difficulties

In which our heroes go to the pub. The podcast fractures into two timelines like from Sliding Doors, Dan reports on a Spaniard who didn’t go to work for 6 years and Christopher from Dorset starts a listeners’ union.

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Episode 36 – Lesbian Step-Mum MILF

In which our heroes discuss how to end Bruce Forsyth’s killing spree, count down the UK’s official porn charts and end abruptly.

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Episode 35 – Channing Potatum

In which our heroes try to stop Bruce Forsyth from killing again, attempt to understand the US presidential elections and discuss XCOM 2 what is coming out on the computer soon.

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Episode 34 – Mimetic Polyalloy

In which our heroes design a robot to win Robot Wars, despair at the new R Kelly album and forensically examine Dan’s love life

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Episode 33 – Two Sets of Knockers

In which our heroes listen to ukulele rap music, decide the Oscar winners and hack into submarines.

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Episode 32 – Naughty Santa’s Helper

In which our heroes learn about testicular valves, analyse Christmas porn stats and Dan sends some dick pics (from a submarine judging by his audio fidelity)

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Episode 31 – Jumping on the Parsnip Train

In which our heroes train Dan to be a terrible human being (Pick Up Artist), Adam reports live from CES 2016 and Graham hates children.

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Episode 30 – 2016 Predictions

In which our heroes discuss which celebrity will die first in 2016, review the ongoing war effort and give Dan dating tips.

Here is a link to the quiz what we done: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-30500372

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Episode 29 – 2015 Review

In which our heroes say what was the best stuff of 2015, declare war on another podcast and listen to the drunken ramblings of a pair of morons.

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Episode 28 – Circumcision Ambulance

In which our heroes discuss the colours of supermarkets, Graham drones on about San Andreas for ages, Adam gets radicalised and Dan learns about opposites.

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Episode 27 – Pyjamify This Top

In which our heroes launch the 2015 Two Star Podcast Christmas Advert, Dan wanks off dolphins with an eel, Graham transplants monkey testicles onto humans and Adam thinks about midgets.

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Episode 26 – A Totally Offensive Individual

In which our heroes endanger their lives with meat. Graham interacts with bigots, Adam moans about Windows 10 and Dan thinks about Muppet sex.

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Episode 25 – Outraging Public Decency

In which our heroes have a 40 minute gak-wank in a pub, Adam moans about Youtubers, Dan finds a wonderful R Kelly cover and Graham alienates Belgium.

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Episode 24 – #Piggate Special

In which our heroes discuss David Cameron’s swine-based hobbies. Adam attaches balloons to bears, Daniel destroys Germany and Graham persuades the others to form a human centipede with him.

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Episode 23 – Rapid Response Priest Team

In which our heroes bootleg Ribena, Graham has a genuinely good idea for a film, Adam finds love at Ashley Madison and Dan is infested by lizards.

 

Oh, I forgot. Here’s the link to the zombie tin can video life hack thing in case you care:
http://diply.com/lance2015/did-you-know-you-can-open-cans-without-a-can/163008

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Episode 22 – Shisgust

In which our heroes pilot an exciting new quiz show format, Adam becomes an illegal migrant, Dan is kidnapped and made to go fishing, and Graham eats crisps.

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Episode 21 – Tennis Special

In which our heroes spin shit into gold. Adam is languishing in a Spanish prison so Graham learns about the Kardashians and Dan has a little breakdown.

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Episode 20 – A Journey of Terror

In which our heroes are bored by a computer game trailer, Adam teaches us about the world of My Little Pony fandom, Graham plays the worst song ever recorded and Dan makes cake in a mug.

If there’s something wrong with you and you want to see the links referenced in this episode then fill your boots:

Concentration Camp Ponies:
https://twitter.com/mlp_txt/status/600896363832942592

Pony Lube:

https://www.etsy.com/listing/224376017/pony-up-personal-lubricant-scented?ref=shop_home_active_1

Horrific Filth (DO NOT CLICK ON THIS):

http://www.toplessrobot.com/2014/12/okay_umsome_dude_accidentally_boiled_a_my_little_p.php

 

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Episode 19 – Eating Beef Bacon

In which our heroes finally cook and eat beef bacon and the world’s most Yorkshire man turns up for no reason that’s any of your business, if I invite strangers into my house while I record a podcast then that’s up to me. Get off my case. My daughter talks on it too because I couldn’t be arsed to edit it. Just be glad we’ve even bothered to do this episode you bunch of bloody ingrates.

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Episode 18 – Daniel Mercer Memorial Episode

In which our heroes get progressively more drunk, Graham asks which rapper likes which crisps, Adam desperately tries to talk to everyone about Fast & Furious and Dan dies in a motorway pile up

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Episode 17 – Failure to Thrive

In which our heroes diagnose Graham’s brain illness, discuss vacuum cleaners and Adam regurgitates an orphan

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Episode 9 – Politics Or Bollocktics

In which our heroes break out the emergency backup episode number while they desperately try and get good enough for Episode 17, do a diamond heist and Dan incessantly types and clicks his mouse in the background, despite having been repeatedly told not to

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Episode 16 – Suck Your Mum Rudeboy

In which our heroes do some minty farts, give a fan advice on how to woo the object of his desire and make soup out of ladybirds

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Episode 15 – Horrible Circumcision Accident

In which our heroes become the new hosts of Top Gear, talk at great length about poo and Dan purchases an award winning B&B in Abergavenny

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KICK OUR BEEF

Hey podfans! Our Kickstarter thing is now LIVE and you can help us achieve our dream of eating beef bacon! Pledge £50 and Dan will nosh you off! (Kickstarter don’t let you put sex acts as official pledge rewards which is stupid really, considering that’s the ultimate goal of anyone using Kickstarter to back any project of any kind.)

THIS IS A LINK TO THE KICKSTARTER THING, YOU CAN CLICK ON IT IF YOU LIKE BUT DON’T FEEL OBLIGED, I MEAN YOU ONLY GET THIS FUCKING PODCAST FOR FREE EVERY BLOODY FORTNIGHT (OR THEREABOUTS)

Episode 14 – Press Gang Special

In which our heroes unearth a rare recording of the lost Scottish edition of Fun House, Dan fries an egg for a stranger off the Internet and Adam refuses to say anything other than “Mr. Milkshake wants to eat a yum yum”

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Episode 13 – 250,000 Pubes

In which our heroes have a wank in space, suck air into their bums and eat fourteen rolls of Sellotape
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Episode 12 – Antiwaffle

In which our heroes perform a play about bodybuilders doing maths, create some donut-hybrid confectionery and infiltrate & destroy the Scouts

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Episode 11 – Benda Blaster

In which our heroes fix the Oscars, give Dan his probation review and tickle some pigs
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Episode 10 – Beef Bacon

In which our heroes pull some pork, insert alarm clocks into their various orifices and commandeer a military submarine to enter and win the Americas Cup
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Episode 8 – Christmas Special

In which our heroes launch the podcast Christmas advert, poo in some shops and save a bus full of nuns from certain, fiery death
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Episode 7 – Epic Bantz

In which our heroes are joined by future fan favourite Dan, read horoscopes from a shit magazine, set fire to a thatched roof and achieve peak bantz
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Episode 6 – Egg Club

In which our heroes make the Internet a wonderful, harmonious place, bang on about Formula E for ages and use their particular set of skills to look for Liam Neeson, find Liam Neeson and hit Liam Neeson
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Episode 5 – Buff Fungus

In which our heroes celebrate Australia Day, preview the new Formula E series and apply brute force to Ian Botham’s willy
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Episode 4 – Indian Egg Rice

In which our heroes learn how to stay safe on-line and discuss buckets of ice, and Graham travels through time in a failed attempt to prevent Adam’s murder
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Episode 3 – Occult Powered

In which our heroes slander a billionaire, battle and ultimately destroy the forces of evil, and strangle a badger

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Episode 2 – 2 Two Star 2 Podcast

In which our heroes uncover the shocking truth about how [REDACTED] took a [REDACTED] and stuck it right up a [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] in front of the [REDACTED] with a bowl of figs on the Scottish edition of Fun House, recite all the Fast & Furious movies verbatim and discover the importance of triple redundancy
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