Tag Archives: wanking

Episode 278 – Free Vapes & a Bumbag

In which our heroes celebrate Friendship Month. Adam has become marriaged, Daniel has bankrupted Birmingham council and Graham considers getting an indentured servant.

For some reason it just ends abruptly, no idea why.

Episode 282 – Nul Point for Mr Mercer

In which our heroes eventually get round to reviewing their 2023 predictions and make some new ones about 2024.  Not before discussing the socio-religious importance of circumcision and also  orgy logistics.

Episode 262 – Dorse Gods

In which our heroes confess to crimes. Graham has job interviews, Adam solves crimes in a retro-futuristic city, Dan joins a school choir and Chris sends Valentines cards to little boys

Episode 249 – Platty Jubes Special

In which our heroes are surrounded by bunting and monarchists. Graham refuses to find out some basic knowledge, Dan launders some Dutch money and Adam goes on a train.

This episode is from the Olden Days when we had a living Queen.

Episode 246 – Pyramids, Stonehenge, Milton Keynes

In which our heroes talk about the upcoming Live Listener Extravaganza in Milton Keynes, play a made up game then resolve, or possibly inflame, all geopolitical conflict by reorganising all of the countries.

Episode 221 – Nipples of The Rich & Famous

In which our heroes are on film. Dan steps up his OnlyFans output, Chris mourns the death of Prince Philip, Adam despairs, and Graham ices some nipples.

Episode 191 – The OnlyFans of Podcasts

In which our heroes scream into the void. Dan starts an OnlyFans, Chris has a Midnight Run, Graham examines his bum bones, and Adam lurks menacingly.

Episode 188 – Pavlovian Shitting

In which our heroes breach the lockdown. Dan sunbathes naked in a park, Chris forces unwanted eggs on children, Graham soils himself in meetings, and Adam becomes a 5G truther.

Episode 172 – Sixteen Layers of Big Dicks

In which our heroes have done actual production. Daniel plays Dutch netball, Adam discovers a mystery cable and Graham blurs the lines between encouraging Dan’s romantic endeavours and sexual harassment.

Episode 171 – Dubstep Bill

In which our heroes apologise for everything. Dan goes to Glastonbury, Graham attempts to kidnap the Funhouse Twins, and Adam keeps forgetting to edit the episode.

Episode 158 – Christmas Party 2018

In which our heroes drink a lot and are joined by Alastair from Nottingham

Episode 157 – A Surplus of Danish Semen

In which our heroes plan their next holiday. Chris has a haircut, Graham is a Victim Of Crime, Adam recounts his time in an escape room and Daniel [inaudible due to train noise]

Episode 156 – Escape Room Frolics

In which our heroes escape. Dan returns to talk about wanking, Graham bids for project work and Adam talks about gnomes.

Episode 140 – The Two Star Podcast Chillout Room

In which our heroes sit back, relax, and generally chill out. Graham makes himself a nice Gin and Tonic, Adam silences the annoying cats and cars in his life and Dan gets his dick out in the light of a burning dustbin to impress a lady.

Episode 137 – Colostomy, not catheter

In which our heroes bang on about GDPR and Jumani, have a stress wank, invent a cocktail and find Dan a wife

Episode 129 – Fairly Conventional Nipples

In which our heroes plan for the pornpocalypse by developing niche fetishes, serve notice to Ruddy William, talk about films and TV for ages and are sick in a Wetherspoons.

Episode 63 – Robotic Wanking Claw Part 2

In which our heroes take a lady hostage, exile Donald Trump to Mexico, catch a German swimmer with a fishing hook and discuss poo crumbs & robotic wanking claw robotic_wanking_claws buy cheap robotic wanking claws sex porn.

Episode 58 – Not Safe For Work

In which our heroes discuss filth, porn, sexy times, Chessington Bubble Works, grot, jazz mags and 300 dicks.

Episode 57 – Wasted Potential

In which our heroes abolish all anti-drug laws in sport, read out some incredible Robot Wars fan fiction, moan about millennials and extend an olive branch to David from Birmingham.

Episode 48 – The Naked Episode

In which our heroes discuss Eurovision, make plans to sink RRS David Attenborough and read listeners’ letters

Episode 46 – Bathtub Prosecco

In which our heroes sleep on a WiFi mattress, guess who Jo Johnson is and start bootlegging prosecco.

Episode 45 – Sexy Robocop


In which our heroes accidentally show Skynet what they look like. Adam gives us some nutrition tips, Dan has a go on a Japanese sex robot and Graham points out that All Saints are definitely not a manifestation of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which is obvious. Of course they’re not. It’s not even worth discussing, forget we mentioned it.

Here are the links to the virtual sex suit:

http://www.refinery29.uk/2016/04/107922/virtual-reality-sex-suit

http://ir.net/news/vr-games-apps/124084/illusion-vr-sex-suit/

Episode 41 – Rise of The J-Turn Sex Ninjas

In which our heroes grapple with technology. Graham desecrates monuments with wicked car stunts, Adam dresses as a ninja and wanks off outside someone’s front door and Dan gets his dick torn off playing rugby.

Episode 38 – A Soggy Croissant

In which our heroes are a bit poorly and talk about the boring EU referendum, Deadpool and a wanking dolphin.

Episode 37 – Technical Difficulties

In which our heroes go to the pub. The podcast fractures into two timelines like from Sliding Doors, Dan reports on a Spaniard who didn’t go to work for 6 years and Christopher from Dorset starts a listeners’ union.

Episode 36 – Lesbian Step-Mum MILF

In which our heroes discuss how to end Bruce Forsyth’s killing spree, count down the UK’s official porn charts and end abruptly.

Episode 34 – Mimetic Polyalloy

In which our heroes design a robot to win Robot Wars, despair at the new R Kelly album and forensically examine Dan’s love life

Episode 32 – Naughty Santa’s Helper

In which our heroes learn about testicular valves, analyse Christmas porn stats and Dan sends some dick pics (from a submarine judging by his audio fidelity)

Episode 28 – Circumcision Ambulance

In which our heroes discuss the colours of supermarkets, Graham drones on about San Andreas for ages, Adam gets radicalised and Dan learns about opposites.

Episode 27 – Pyjamify This Top

In which our heroes launch the 2015 Two Star Podcast Christmas Advert, Dan wanks off dolphins with an eel, Graham transplants monkey testicles onto humans and Adam thinks about midgets.

Episode 26 – A Totally Offensive Individual

In which our heroes endanger their lives with meat. Graham interacts with bigots, Adam moans about Windows 10 and Dan thinks about Muppet sex.

Episode 25 – Outraging Public Decency

In which our heroes have a 40 minute gak-wank in a pub, Adam moans about Youtubers, Dan finds a wonderful R Kelly cover and Graham alienates Belgium.

Episode 20 – A Journey of Terror

In which our heroes are bored by a computer game trailer, Adam teaches us about the world of My Little Pony fandom, Graham plays the worst song ever recorded and Dan makes cake in a mug.

If there’s something wrong with you and you want to see the links referenced in this episode then fill your boots:

Concentration Camp Ponies:
https://twitter.com/mlp_txt/status/600896363832942592

Pony Lube:

https://www.etsy.com/listing/224376017/pony-up-personal-lubricant-scented?ref=shop_home_active_1

Horrific Filth (DO NOT CLICK ON THIS):

http://www.toplessrobot.com/2014/12/okay_umsome_dude_accidentally_boiled_a_my_little_p.php

 

Episode 18 – Daniel Mercer Memorial Episode

In which our heroes get progressively more drunk, Graham asks which rapper likes which crisps, Adam desperately tries to talk to everyone about Fast & Furious and Dan dies in a motorway pile up

Episode 17 – Failure to Thrive

In which our heroes diagnose Graham’s brain illness, discuss vacuum cleaners and Adam regurgitates an orphan

Episode 13 – 250,000 Pubes

In which our heroes have a wank in space, suck air into their bums and eat fourteen rolls of Sellotape

Episode 7 – Epic Bantz

In which our heroes are joined by future fan favourite Dan, read horoscopes from a shit magazine, set fire to a thatched roof and achieve peak bantz